


tired.

by orphan_account



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: A bit sad, Curses, Fate, Friendship, Gen, basically this focuses on Blue and her unspoken feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 08:46:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5199569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blue Sargent was tired. She was tired of a lot of things, like school and work and ignorance and having her basic human rights ignored, but mostly, she was tired of her fate being chosen <i>for</i> her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tired.

Blue Sargent was tired.

She was tired, as in she wanted to go to bed and sleep for a thousand years. She was tired in the way most other teens were tired, too: tired of school, tired of homework, tired of trying to plan a future that would be knocked down either because of a lack of money or because someone pointed out how _impractical_ it was. She was also tired of working, working, working all those jobs-- Nino’s and dog-walking and lawn work-- to make an impossibly small amount of money. She was tired of oppression. She was tired of ignorance. She was tired of being looked at like an object to be owned and being denied some of her basic human rights. She was even tired of being the only non-psychic in an entire fucking family of psychics. 

But mostly, she was tired of having her fate already determined.

She didn’t want to fall in love. She didn’t want to kiss her true love only to see him die. She didn’t want to be responsible for the death of a loved friend and family member, of someone who was supposed to grow up and do amazing things.

She was tired of living in fear. Every day it rained, a knot formed in her stomach and remained. When Gansey wore his Aglionby sweater, her mind was on alert until he changed into a ridiculously-vibrant polo. Those late nights and those little things that made her realize she loved Gansey, that made her want more, scared her most of all. She was afraid to love because she knew what would happen, what was destined to happen.

No one understood.

Yes, what a terrible cliché for a teenager to think, but really. How many people had known that they were going to kill their true love since they were a child? How many people were haunted by countless readings and tarot cards and and dream interpretations and psychics all saying the same thing, all coming to the same conclusion? Nine heavy words hung in the air, echoing in her mind day after day after day:

_If you kiss your true love, he will die._

It was a weight on her shoulders, constantly dragging her down. 

Why couldn’t she have been like everyone else? She wanted to be able to kiss as many people as she wanted, to sleep with as many people as she wanted, to live life the way she wanted without having to worry about some bullshit consequence the world _assigned_ her. She wanted to be free. Free of the curse, free to love, free to make her own future rather than do and say and feel what everyone else tells her to do and say and feel. 

But she’d never be free. 

She couldn’t just _not_ fall in love.

Love happens blindly and suddenly. Without warning, without clarity, it just happens. No one ever truly knows why or how or when. And for Blue, it _already_ happened and there was no turning back.

It would have been so much easier if she had been told she would be the one to die. She wasn’t scared of dying. However, she was scared of ending someone else’s life.

Sometimes, it was just _too much._

But she had to deal. She had to put on a smile and be Blue, ever-sensible and ever-upbeat Blue. Every day, she had to live with the fact that she was going to kill her true love and there was nothing she could do to change it. And every day, she acted like nothing was wrong.

She was strong, stronger than most people gave her credit for, but she didn’t know how strong she would be when the day came.

She didn’t know how she was going to live with herself once Gansey died. 

A part of Blue knew it wasn’t smart to dwell on such thoughts. If it was inevitable, why spend hours upon hours considering it? Why put so much energy into crying over what’s permanently etched into space and time? 

But that tiny piece of her held on because she was only human. The terrible thoughts resided in the back of her mind, coming out when she was alone. 

This night, she had been hit by these feelings extremely hard. One minute, she was driving down the road in the Fox Way Ford, dancing along to the beat of the music that played on the radio. The next, she was parked on the side of the road, choking out ugly sobs as tears splattered on the steering wheel. The lyrics of the song were somehow reminding her of Gansey, and she couldn’t take it. Frustrated, she aimed to punch the mute button but instead turned off the whole system. Cars zoomed past her. She doubted any of them gave a second thought to the small car pulled to the side. She doubted any of them would care that a sixteen-year-old girl was inside, crying her heart out. After all, weren’t all teenage girls hormonal and emotional?

But it was so much more than the normal teenage feelings. It was grief, grief over someone who had not yet died but was going to, grief over the death to the person she was and to the people Adam and Ronan were at that time, because it would undoubtedly change all of them. It was grief over the control she never had to begin with.

Five minutes later, she wiped away the mix of mascara and water that was beginning to dry on her face and bravely looked in the mirror. The sight was quite alarming: her eyes swollen, her cheeks puffy, and her entire face red. Her nose was running, and her throat burned. She was an absolute mess. She couldn’t walk into her house looking like that.

Of course, this made her cry harder, and all those thoughts ensued. 

Would her tragedy be etched into the stars? Would her love story be transcribed into a timeless play? The simple answer was no.

But it was a story the universe had written, a story no one would know about except those who were characters, a true story.

That story was her future, but Blue wanted to write her own fucking future.

Suddenly, she felt cold fingers touching her hand, and she bolted up, as if awakened. Her wide eyes fell upon a concerned face. “Oh, Noah.” Blue breathed, her voice breaking. The ghostly boy intertwined his fingers with hers. 

“I’m here for you,” he whispered. 

Those four words were all he said, but those four words were all she needed to hear.

**Author's Note:**

> Blue calls Adam brave, but can we just take a minute to appreciate Blue’s bravery? This curse is something she’s lived with her entire life. Even as a child, she knew her true love was going to die because of her.
> 
> I don’t know if I could live with that.
> 
> but Blue _does_.
> 
> and I think that’s pretty damn brave.


End file.
